


Snakes on a Bed

by leftennant



Series: Darcyland April Fools Smut Challenge Fics [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Tasertricks - Fandom, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fluff, Pregnancy, Smut, Winged Snake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-10-14 11:23:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10535478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leftennant/pseuds/leftennant
Summary: Very little has been normal since Darcy met Loki, and that's fine.  She doesn't need normal when she's got the God of Mischief.  But a girl has to draw the line somewhere, and she just figured out that snakes in the bed?  Yeah, they're past the line.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Third entry for the Darcyland April Fools Smut Challenge. I decided to go back to Tasertricks for this one, and it reminded of why I fell in love with this pairing in the first place. Also, it's cracky af. Like...super cracky. Crackalicious even. ;D  
> Not beta'd 'cause sometimes that's just how I roll. All mistakes are mine.
> 
> ****************************************

Darcy gasped, fingers biting into the sheets as Loki’s hips snapped into hers. He looked down at her, lips parting in a smirk.

“You are so lovely when you're spread out beneath me, begging for release,” he murmured.

“Yeah well, you’re pretty cute when you’re calling my name too,” she replied, winking at him. “Like last night. Remember last night? _Oh, Darcy! Please, Darcy, I can bear it no longer!_ It was super hot. Shakespearean English totally gets me off.”

Loki rolled his eyes. “Always so insolent. May I remind you, I predate your Shakespeare by a good five hundred years.”

“Oh I know, grandpa. You were there when the first Viking crawled out of the North Sea or whatever.”

“I did say you were insolent, did I not?”

She grinned at him. “Yep, and you love it. So, want to get back to the whole me screaming your name thing, because all this chitchat is nice, but orgasms are nicer. No offense.”

“Now why should I take offense at that, my loquacious little mortal? You are the one who cannot hold their tongue. I am merely responding to your constant chatter out of politeness.”

“Politeness?” Darcy snorted, arching up into him. “Is that what they call this on Asgard?”

“No,” Loki said, brushing his lips over hers. “On Asgard we call this pleasuring our wife. Give me your mouth, Darcy. I have need of it.”

She wasn’t about to argue with that. Especially not when he combined his words with a thrust that left her breathless. It was so much easier to go silent and just concentrate on how he was making her feel, and it felt so very, very good. Everywhere he was touching her felt alight with desire, the sensation spreading until even her fingers were tingling with it. It blazed bright, bringing her closer and closer to what promised to be a spectacular orgasm.

And then she was there, right on the cusp and falling. It was better than she even thought it could be, rough and sweet, Loki’s mouth pressed against the hollow of her shoulder as he took his own release. 

Afterwards she lay there trying to catch her breath, fingers reaching up to tangle Loki’s hair and bring him closer. He came willingly, forehead touching hers. She closed her eyes for a moment, just taking it in, then opened them and…

Just over Loki’s shoulder, something was staring at her. A big something with scales, and slithery coils, and were those fucking _wings_??? 

“HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT??????” Darcy tried to scramble across the bed, but it was impossible with Loki lying flat out on top of her. 

For his part, once her distress sank into his post orgasm haze, Loki snapped into action. He produced a blade from god only knew where, and had Darcy safely placed behind him before she could even grasp what was happening. 

Then there was a snort of amusement that had her cautiously peeking over his shoulder to see what was going on. The _thing_ was still there, still looking at her, still slithery, and those were definitely wings.

“Loki? Why is there a...um…” Darcy, paused while searching for the right words. “...winged serpent in our bed? With wings? It has wings. God. Why does it have wings?”

The serpent seemed unperturbed by her question, closing its large green eyes and then opening them again like appearing on people’s beds during sex was a thing it did all the time. It looked _bored_ , and how very dare it look bored when Darcy was still kind of terrified.

Loki seemed unperturbed as well, returning the dagger to wherever he’d procured it. (And really, that shit was starting to make Darcy wonder. Where _had_ he been keeping it? A pocket dimension? His ass? She needed answers as soon as the winged serpent thing was figured out.) Anyway, he was remarkably okay with a giant, flying snake being in their bed. Or if not exactly okay with it, definitely not shocked by it.

This worried Darcy. Snakes in the bed should not be something that Loki just accepted. Snakes in the bed was what Darcy considered an Ungood Situation. She wanted it remedied. Now. Why wasn’t he explaining, or fixing it, or like...conjuring up a magical herpetological habitat to contain it? Anything would be better than the weird snake-related staring contest that was currently going down.

“Sooo,” she began quietly in case the snake might be listening in, “you seem really unconcerned about our scaly friend here. Which is you know, it’s an interesting reaction. I, on the other hand, am fucking freaking out. How about getting rid of him?”

“She,” Loki responded.

Darcy blinked. “What?”

“It is a _she_ ,” he said. “You referred to the serpent as ‘he’. It is female.”

“Right. Female. Sorry. And this matters because…?” 

“If it were male, it would mean something quite different.”

“Oookay. Now you’re really scaring me. The snake means something? Are these questions I’m really asking? Is this really my life? Oh my god, what _is_ my life,” she said, shaking her head. “Married to a Norse Trickster God from outer space, random snakes in the bed, green couch that started out white…”

“I thought you rather liked serpents in bed,” Loki remarked with a sly look over his shoulder at her. “You seem quite enthusiastic about mine.”

“Really? Really, Loki? We have some kind of mythological snake with wings in our bed, and you are… Wait. Is that another set of wings down near the tail? Why? Why two sets of wings? Why wings at all? More importantly, WHY IS IT STILL IN OUR BED?”

“She is waiting to deliver her message, of course,” he said.

“Oh, of course. Why didn’t I think of that?” Darcy snarked. “Please. Don’t let me interrupt the very important snake delivery service business. It’s probably some federal offense on Asgard.”

“There is no ‘snake delivery service’, this is my pet, Aslaug.”

“You have a pet snake?”

“Indeed.”

She frowned. “A pet snake you have never told me about, that lives on Asgard?”

“I suspected introducing her to our local Midgardian ecosystem would disastrous, as she is both poisonous and carnivorous, so yes,” Loki said with a shrug.

“That was weirdly thoughtful of you in a very specific way.”

“It would seem some of your lessons on how to be a good citizen have paid off.”

“Just the snake-related ones, apparently. And the don’t commit genocide ones. You haven’t done that in forever. That’s such a plus at parties.” She smiled, patting Loki’s arm, while still keeping one eye on the snake. Just in case it got hungry or whatever.

“Darcy?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you care to know why Aslaug has made the long journey from Asgard or not?”

“Oh, right, message. Sure. Let’s have it, Aslaug.”

Loki rolled his eyes again. Then he leaned down close to what Darcy could only guess was the snake’s ear area, and began to speak to it in a weird, hissy way. The snake listened with a truly frightening amount of intelligence, and then began to hiss back.

“Is that parseltongue?” Darcy asked, “because seriously, Tony is going to have field day if it is. He already calls you Salazar On-Midgardian.”

“No, it is not, and Anthony calls both of us that. _You_ are the Midgardian portion of that odious moniker.”

“Don’t remind me. Anyway, what did she say? Anything good?”

“That strongly depends on your definition of good,” he replied. “In this case, I believe you will be elated.”

“Elated? By snake-mail? Really?”

“Yes. Aslaug has come to inform us that you are with child.”

“I’m with…” Darcy trailed off, her words getting lost on their way out.

“Child,” Loki supplied. “Mine, in fact.”

“No.”

“I assure you, Darcy, it is completely true. Aslaug is incapable of lies. It isn’t in her nature.”

“No, I mean, what? How? How did this…” Darcy gestured at the now highly contented looking Alsaug who was curled up on the sheets practically purring. “...lady-snake know that I’m pregnant? I don’t even know that I’m pregnant.”

“She was bespelled to do so,” Loki told her as if that were a given.

“Oh. Right. Bespelled. Pregnancy test snake. Totally normal. Green couch. Norse God. What is my life? Did I ask that already? I feel like I asked that already.”

“Mortal.”

Darcy, who was still trying to figure out just where and when her life had jumped the tracks into crazytown, looked over at Loki. “Hmm?”

“You are with child. _My_ child. A child we have been attempting to conceive for many months, and have finally created. Is the method with which the news was delivered truly your greatest concern at the moment? I know it is not mine.”

“I’m sorry are you saying this just happened?” She sat straight up, the news starting to sink in. “Like...just _now_? When we were, you know, doing the thing?”

“I believe that is what I just said, yes.”

She fell back on the pillows with a soft thud. “That is one sensitive snake.”

Loki rolled over, lips twitching up into a smile. “Say you are happy.”

“I’m in shock. You would be too if an interplanetary snake showed up and announced you were about to be a parent.”

“Oh?” He gave her a pointed look, and after a moment Darcy started to laugh.

“Okay, nevermind. That was a really bad analogy considering that’s exactly what just happened, and it’s your baby too, and oh my god. We’re having a baby.”

"A daughter," Loki corrected. "Which is why I said a male snake would mean something quite different."

Once again, Darcy was speechless. Did this mean there were two snakes? Perish the thought. The important thing was probably to concentrate on the issue at hand, and not the possibility of a second snake. Otherwise she might just feel the need to run out of the room screaming, and that was probably not good for the baby. Speaking of the baby. "The snake knows the sex of the baby?"

"As I said, she is bespelled. The spell can foresee both the conception, and the sex of the child."

"Loki, I love you, but this is the weirdest shit ever." It _was_ weird. So weird. Except, well, everything with Loki was weird. Granted, the snake was the weirdest in a very long line of weird, but the baby news was starting to overshadow the way they'd found out. A baby. That part was incredible. A bubble of happiness welled up inside Darcy, and she felt a smile spreading across her face. "Is this real? Really real? Like...in nine months we are going to have a a fluffy, squishy little baby? Are you thinking about this too? We made a person!"

“We did,” Loki said. “Although I might add that in this case, I did most of the work while you lay here and panted my name in my ear.”

“Are we back to the insults? Because I have a really good one regarding that thing you shouted last week when my mouth was around your…”

Loki’s lips dropped down on hers, cutting off the rest of her sentence. For a few minutes Darcy was extremely busy enjoying the things he was doing with his tongue, and then a thought occurred to her. Her eyes popped open and she began to push on his chest. 

Loki drew back with a confused look on his face. “What is it?”

“The ake-snay is atching-way,” Darcy whispered. “I don’t know what goes on up in Asgard, but I can’t make out in front of a snake. I don’t care how be-spelled she is.”

“Fine.” Loki waved his hand, and the snake disappeared. 

Darcy wondered if it had gone to join the dagger, which she really REALLY hoped was in a pocket dimension. Or back on Asgard. Whichever. Then she went back to kissing Loki, because snake or no snake, they were totally having a baby, and that was _awesome_.


End file.
